life, lime and lemons

if life gives you lemons, make lemonade, find someone whose life gives you vodka, and have a party

The 80/20 rule May 30, 2011

Filed under: Marriage — limenlemons @ 2:59 pm
Tags: , ,

This rule states that most men get 80% of what they need from a marriage yet they tend to go after the 20% that someone outside can provide for them because it appears to be more to them when it really isn’t  (Source: Wikipedia)

The movie, Why did I get married, introduced this 80/20 rule. I recently came across it through a read on marriages. It brought forth a few thoughts to me, though I am sure each one has their own interpretation of it. The most obvious topic ‘cheating’ I will leave for another post altogether.

Lets widen the scope of it for today and apply it to more matters than one – the physical, mental, sexual and emotional.

Dont we tend to look at the 20 we are not getting from our partners rather than the 80 they are selflessly giving us? It’s hard to keep our eye on the 80 our relationship offers us and so much easier to come up with the 20 where it lacks. I admit I have been guilty of this on a number of occasions. Is it an inflated sense of self-worth or what you feel you deserve that makes us react this way? Are we just being human by wanting more? Food for thought……

 

 

 

Whats in a name? April 28, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — limenlemons @ 2:36 pm
Tags: ,

Adopting your husband’s name is the norm in India. There is no thinking twice about this issue. You get married and henceforth you take your husband’s last name as your own. In certain communities, they even change the new bride’s first name (but thats a story for a whole separate post ‘coz of course i have such strong views on it!) Other than the whole traditional belief behind this, its known to make life simpler for all – from dealing with banks to government etc. I can imagine raised eyebrows in some birthday party where your kid shares her parents’ names and both have different last names! Oh and the pain you may have to deal with while travelling abroad! Anyway.

I did the needful too…..for the sake of all the official formalities in this country. But I realise my resume still reads my maiden name. So does my facebook page. So does the management profile page at the firm I work. So does all my correspondence, even my new ( 🙂 !!!!) business cards. I still think of myself as XYZ ‘Maiden name’. That has always been my identity and I just cant imagine changing and effectively losing it.

Just so we are clear and on the right track here……I like being married! 🙂 I am happy where I am. This isnt about the issues of married life. I am also quite proud of the boy and his family. This isnt about being ashamed to take their name either.

I have noticed some women who have had no qualms about adopting their husband’s last name. From Day 1 of their marriage, they have proudly displayed their new names. Is it that certain people have a stronger sense of self and identity as compared to others that they find this name change difficult? Does the change in name necessarily mean a change in identity? Or do you, like Shakespeare, believe that calling a rose by some other name doesnt change what it truly is?

 

Marriages and its wonders April 14, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — limenlemons @ 3:40 pm
Tags: ,

As a single girl, I had my doubts about marriage.

As a “new bride”, I had my hard days with marriage.

As a 3 month old married girl, there are these random moments……sitting at the dining table, driving to the gym, waiting in queue at the supermarket, watching a movie…….that I love being married.

There is nothing extra-ordinary about these moments except that The Boy is with me. I look across at him and find myself amazed. Amazed at the emotions he provokes in me; at the reactions he causes; the thoughts he awakens in me. From emotional to physical to mental, its all a mixed bag.

Ours is not your typical love story. This girl did not meet The Boy, fall in love and then decide to marry. Id be lying if I said I was 100% certain about him, about us, about marriage itself when I accepted his proposal. So yes its amazing to me that I feel a bit ‘lucky’ to be married to him.

Id also be lying if I said that its all hunky-dory. We irritate each other at times, piss each other off too. There are those times too where we leave each other a bit confused by our behaviour. And yet I dont question my being here with him. That part always makes sense. Its amazing to observe that this person I have known for a little more than a year now inspires that amount of faith in me.

I am protective of very few people around me. Even fewer people am I patient with. I find myself protective to a fault and more patient than a saint when it comes to The Boy and our relationship. What is it about this marriage that rises all the fierce instincts in me? Its teaching me quite a few lessons – lessons in caring, forgiving, giving, loving, demanding, nurturing – lessons on giving in and leaning on someone else’s shoulder while being his support and inspiration.

At the same time that I got married, I realise now that I embarked on a journey – a journey of discovering rather wondrous (at times strange) aspects about marriage.

 

‘New’ lessons learnt January 29, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — limenlemons @ 8:56 pm
Tags: , ,

The ‘new’ life sure is eventful! These days each hour brings forth a new lesson. Its fun, exciting, overwhelming, exhausting, upsetting all at once.

Everyone around me is so excited and helpful. Be it teaching you the easiest routes or sharing tips on best restaurants or salons, I see every one going out of their way to pitch in. There are endless invites to lunches and coffees. There are genuine attempts to being friends. There are  constant efforts to provide me all I may need. I have obviously never experienced so much attention ever before 🙂 but isnt that a two edged sword? As much as I love it it means getting used to its side-effects.

Earlier if your mother cooked 3 different dishes for dinner, you would ignore one without thinking twice……just ‘coz you didnt feel like eating it. I do that now and am faced with (well-meaning) questions whether I dont like it, whether I dont eat it ever, whether the cook should never make it again. Chances are I probably didnt think twice and may not even have a reason for ignoring that dish.

Where once I would sit in my room all by myself for hours spacing out on music, now I realise it may worry the others whether I am bored or missing home. Where once I had the room to myself at the end of the night, I now am learning to share my space with another person. Where once you could easily seek the comfort of your best friends’ company, now either you are too busy to take the call or its not a good time for them to talk.

Where once I could bravely face any sarcastic, mean, angry comments and give back what I got, now there are times when the simplest and most innocent of comments tear me up. The Boy’s sister gave me a piece of advice; hear what others have to say from one ear and take it out from the other…..dont let anything go south (to your heart) for the first year of the marriage. Obviously I am not doing a good job of following her advice and take everything too personally.

A friend put it well recently. Everyone will have an opinion to share and they will do so gladly. Every one will tell you what you should be doing but no one shares the important bit on how to do it. I have realised that weddings and marriages brings out the pop-psych in everyone 🙂 There are endless suggestions on strategies to deal with the husbands, the inlaws, the neighbours, the pets! I think what works best though is to just smile and go with the flow. Its different but I guess the key is to enjoy the difference and treat it like an adventure.

Every now and then, there is a gesture or an effort that makes you fall in love all over again…..that makes you feel like you belong……that makes the slightly harder days worth it all.